{"id":4087,"date":"2016-09-12T15:12:52","date_gmt":"2016-09-12T08:12:52","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/iit.payap.ac.th\/?page_id=4087"},"modified":"2016-09-12T15:12:52","modified_gmt":"2016-09-12T08:12:52","slug":"19-relationship-q-a-some-common-questions","status":"publish","type":"page","link":"https:\/\/iit.payap.ac.th\/?page_id=4087","title":{"rendered":"19. Relationship Q &#038; A: Some Common Questions"},"content":{"rendered":"<div class=\"entry-content\">\n<p>Q. I\u2019ve never been very good at relationship, of any kind. I don\u2019t even know how or where to begin.<\/p>\n<p>A. Relationships begin with you, because you are half of any relationship you join. So start with yourself! Don\u2019t count on relationship to \u201ccure\u201d a poor self-image. It won\u2019t work. But here are some measures that can:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>Make an inventory of your best, most attractive qualities and affirm them to yourself often.<\/li>\n<li>Avoid unrealistic standards and all-or-nothing thinking: \u201cIf I don\u2019t make an A on every test, I\u2019m a total failure.\u201d<\/li>\n<li>Challenge yourself to accept and absorb compliments: a simple \u201cthank you\u201d raises self-esteem; negations such as, \u201cYou like this outfit? I think it makes me look dumpy, lower self-esteem.<\/li>\n<li>Remember that there are no guarantees, Making gains requires taking risks. Seek out new experiences and people; then approach them with openness and curiosity. Each is an opportunity.<\/li>\n<li>Don\u2019t expect overnight success. Close friendships and intimate love relationships both take time to develop.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>Q. I don\u2019t think I have a poor self-concept. I feel pretty good about myself. But this is a big city. And it\u2019s easy to get lost in the crowd. How do I go about meeting people?<\/p>\n<p>A. Your question implies that you see meeting people as something which requires effort, and you\u2019re right! No matter how stunningly attractive you may be, passively waiting for others to throw themselves your way not only doesn\u2019t work very reliably, it doesn\u2019t allow you to be very choosy. Here are some common-sense approaches which you may find helpful:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>The best way to meet people is to put yourself in places where they are likely to be other people who share your interests and values: classes, ticket lines at sporting or culture events, cashier lines at stores and restaurants, and bowling or ice skating. Join an organization that interests you. Check with student activities for information on groups based on religion, athletics, academics, political\/special interests, ethnicity\/culture, and service or charity.<\/li>\n<li>Once you are with people, initiate a conversation by: asking a question, commenting on the situation, asking for or offering an opinion, expressing some interest, showing some concern, or offering or requesting help.<\/li>\n<li>Once you\u2019ve engaged someone in conversation, let him\/her you\u2019re listening and interested. Make eye contact, adopt an open posture, reflect the feelings you hear, paraphrase what he\/she is saying, and ask for clarification if you don\u2019t understand.<\/li>\n<li>And, again, remember: no risks, no gains. Don\u2019t be discouraged if you and the other person don\u2019t \u201cClick\u201d first and every time.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>Q. One thing that\u2019s difficult for me in relationship is \u201changing on to myself\u201d It seems that once I get close to someone \u2013 roommate, friend, or lover \u2013 I give in and accommodate so much that there\u2019s nothing left of me.<\/p>\n<p>A. It\u2019s hard to experience fulfillment in a relationships that is not equal and reciprocal. The best way to avoid \u201cgiving yourself up\u201d in a relationship is to develop some assertiveness skills. Learn how to express your feelings, beliefs, opinions, and needs openly and honestly. Here are some guidelines:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>When starting your feeling, use \u201cI-statements.\u201d Avoid accusatory or blaming \u201cyou statements.\u201d They usually only result in defensiveness and counterattacks.<\/li>\n<li>You have a righto have feeling and to make requests. State then directly and firmly and without apology.<\/li>\n<li>Acknowledge the other person\u2019s point of view, but repeat your request as many times as necessary.<\/li>\n<li>Learn to say \u201cNo\u201d to unreasonable requests. Offer a reason \u2013 not an excuse \u2013 if you choose, but your feelings are reason enough. Trust them.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>Q. but won\u2019t I lose my friends and lover if I always insist on getting my own way?<\/p>\n<p>A. Assertiveness is not about always getting your way. Nor is it about coercing or manipulating. Those are acts of aggression. An assertion does not violate another\u2019s rights, and it does not preclude compromise. But a compromise, by definition, meets the needs of both people as much as possible. If your friend or lover is unwilling to compromise or has no respect for your feelings, maybe there\u2019s not so lose.<\/p>\n<p>Q. My romantic partner and I seem to be coming from different worlds sometimes, it\u2019s pretty frustrating. What can we do about it?<\/p>\n<p>A. It\u2019s normal for relationship partners to have different needs in at least few areas, such as: spending time with others vs. spending time with other, wanting \u201cquality time\u201d together vs. needing time to be alone, going out dancing vs. going to a ballgame, etc.<\/p>\n<p>Note that:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>Differing needs don\u2019t mean your relationship is coming apart, but it is important to communicate about them to avoid misunderstandings.<\/li>\n<li>Tell your partner directly what you want or need (\u201cI would really like to spend time alone with you tonight\u201d), rather than expecting them to know already (\u201cif you really cared for me, you would know what I want\u201d)<\/li>\n<li>Set aside time to discuss unresolved issue: \u201cI\u2019m feeling uncomfortable about\u2026and would like to talk about it. What time is agreeable to you? \u201cPouting, sulking, and the \u201csilent treatment\u201d don\u2019t make matters any better.<\/li>\n<li>Inevitably you and your partner will have conflicts, but they needn\u2019t be nasty. Here are some tips for \u201c Fighting Fairly\u201d<\/li>\n<li>Use assertive language (see above for reminder).<\/li>\n<li>Avoid name calling, or intentionally calling attention to know weakness or sensitive issues (\u201chitting below the belt\u201d)<\/li>\n<li>Stay in the present, don\u2019t dwell on past grievances.<\/li>\n<li>Listen actively \u2013 express back to your partner what you understand his\/her thoughts and feelings to be.<\/li>\n<li>No \u201cgunnysacking\u201d (saving up hurts and hostilities and dumping them on your partner all at once).<\/li>\n<li>If you are wrong, admit it!<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>Q. Even when we\u2019re communicating well in other areas, my partner and I often get bogged down when it comes to talking about sex. I often feel we have very different expectations in this area.<\/p>\n<p>A. First of all, it is important to be aware of your own feelings: how you feel about your partner, how comfortable you feel in his\/her presence, what does and does not feel comfortable or desirable in terms of physical closeness or sexual contact. Trust your gut feelings.<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>Communicate what you really want sexually. Express what you enjoy and also what you are not comfortable with<\/li>\n<li>Communicate clearly to your partner\/date what your limits are. Be prepared to defend your limits. If you mean No, then say \u201cNo\u201d and don\u2019t give mixed messages. You have the right to be respected and you are not responsible for your partner\/date\u2019s feeling or reaction.<\/li>\n<li>Both partner have a responsibility in preventing unwanted sexual contact. Men must recognize that no means no, regardless when she says it, and regardless whether you think she is saying \u201cyes\u201d nonverbally. If a person says \u201cNo\u201d and it still coerced or forced into having sex, then a rape has occurred.<\/li>\n<li>If you feel unsafe, leave the situation immediately \u2013 fifty to seventy percent of rapes are perpetrated by an acquaintance of the victim.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>Q. I hear a lot about \u201cco-dependency\u201d in relationships. What exactly is that?<\/p>\n<p>A. Co-dependency originally referred to the spouses or partners of alcoholics and the way they attempt to control the effects of the other person\u2019s dependency on alcohol or drugs. More recently, the term has been used to refer to any relationship in which one person feels incomplete without the other and thus tries to control him\/her. Some characteristics of co-dependency are:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>Fear of change or growth in the other person.<\/li>\n<li>Looking to the other person for affirmation and self-esteem.<\/li>\n<li>Feeling unsure where you end and the other person begins.<\/li>\n<li>Exaggerated fear of abandonment.<\/li>\n<li>Psychological games and manipulation<\/li>\n<li>A healthy relationship is one that allows for the individuality and growth of both person, is open to change, and allows both individuals to express their feelings and needs.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>Q. A lot of your answers seem to assume we\u2019re talking about heterosexual relationships. What about same-sex relationships? Do the same principles apply?<\/p>\n<p>A. All humans have the same needs for love, safety, and commitment. Gays, lesbians, and bisexuals are no different. All evidence suggests that same-sex attraction, while rarer than other-sex attraction, is simply a different orientation, not a perversions. \u201cBut there are some differences:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>Since both partners are of the same sex, the characteristics of that gender may be exaggerated in the relationship. Sometimes that can be very nice. Other times it can be experienced as a problem.<\/li>\n<li>Partners in same-sex relationships must deal with the stress of homophobia, society\u2019s widespread fear and condemnation of their sexual orientation. Feeling unable to be opened about one\u2019s relationship with friends, colleagues, and family can leave the same-sex couple isolated and deprived of a support network.<\/li>\n<li>Homophobia can also affect the self-esteem of same-sex partners, making a normal ups and downs of relationship all the more difficult.<\/li>\n<li>Finally, homophobia can affect non-romantic same-sex relationships. For instance, two female friends, two brothers, or even father and son, may feel reluctant to express their affection and caring for each other for fear of being thought gay.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>Q. Why do gay and lesbian stay hidden so much? One of my friend did not tell me he was gay until I had known him a full year.<\/p>\n<p>A. Many gays and lesbians do stay hidden for much or all of their lives, and given the prevalence of homophobia, it\u2019s easy to see why. But other same-sex oriented people, on this campus and all over the world, have made the decision to be themselves boldly and and openly, in the belief that that is the best way to counteract stereotypes and discrimination. Your friend may not have felt certain of his sexual orientation when he first met you, or he may have just decided to do you the honor of trusting you to be a part of his \u201c coming out,\u201d or his process of acknowledging, accepting, and disclosing his gayness. Ask him about it. He\u2019ll probably appreciate your sincere interest.<\/p>\n<p>Q. What about bisexuals? Are they for real, or just very confused?<\/p>\n<p>A. For a long time, bisexuals were thought to be confused, \u201chalf-and-half\u201d people. But there is growing recognition that while some people who think of themselves as bisexual may be in transition towards one orientation or the other, many genuinely feel strong attraction towards people of both genders. They\u2019re not so much \u201chalf\u201d as \u201cboth,\u201d feel no confusion, and have no desire to change.<\/p>\n<p>Q. I hate ending relationships. Even though I look forward to summer vacation, saying goodbye to friends in May is miserable. And breaking up with romantic partners never seems to go well.<\/p>\n<p>A. Saying goodbye is one of the most avoided and fear human experiences. As a culture, we have no clear-cut rituals for ending relationships or saying goodbye to value others. So we are often unprepared for the variety of feelings we experience in the process. Here are some guidelines many people find helpful:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>Allow yourself to feel the sadness, anger, fear, and pain associated with an ending. Deny those feelings or keeping them inside will only prolong them.<\/li>\n<li>Recognize that guilt, self-blame, and bargaining are our defenses against feeling out of control, feeling unable to stop the other person from leaving us. But there are some endings we can\u2019t control because we can\u2019t control person\u2019s behavior.<\/li>\n<li>Give yourself time to heal, and be kind to yourself for the duration: pamper yourself, ask for support from others, and allow yourself new experiences and friends.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>Q. I seem to get into the same pattern in all my relationships, I get afraid of losing my partner: then we get into a big argument and break up in anger. Sometimes I even think I may have picked a fight just because I\u2019m scared to keep the relationship going. Does this make any sense?<\/p>\n<p>A. Yes, it makes a lot of sense, and congratulations on recognizing a pattern. That\u2019s the first step towards change. People get into a variety of painful or \u201cdysfunctional\u201d patterns in relationships. Often, those patterns are based on old fears and \u201cunfinished business\u201d from childhood.<\/p>\n<p>If you feel \u201cstuck\u201d in a pattern and unable to change it, talking to a professional counselor.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Q. I\u2019ve never been very good at relationship, of any kind. I don\u2019t even know how or where to begin. A. Relationships begin with you, because you are half of any relationship you join. So start with yourself! Don\u2019t count&hellip; <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":11,"featured_media":0,"parent":3102,"menu_order":19,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"footnotes":""},"class_list":["post-4087","page","type-page","status-publish","hentry"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v26.8 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>19. Relationship Q &amp; A: Some Common Questions - Department of Information Technology<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/iit.payap.ac.th\/?page_id=4087\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"19. Relationship Q &amp; A: Some Common Questions - Department of Information Technology\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Q. I\u2019ve never been very good at relationship, of any kind. I don\u2019t even know how or where to begin. A. Relationships begin with you, because you are half of any relationship you join. So start with yourself! Don\u2019t count&hellip;\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/iit.payap.ac.th\/?page_id=4087\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Department of Information Technology\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"10 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/iit.payap.ac.th\/?page_id=4087\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/iit.payap.ac.th\/?page_id=4087\",\"name\":\"19. Relationship Q & A: Some Common Questions - Department of Information Technology\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/iit.payap.ac.th\/#website\"},\"datePublished\":\"2016-09-12T08:12:52+00:00\",\"breadcrumb\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/iit.payap.ac.th\/?page_id=4087#breadcrumb\"},\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"ReadAction\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/iit.payap.ac.th\/?page_id=4087\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"BreadcrumbList\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/iit.payap.ac.th\/?page_id=4087#breadcrumb\",\"itemListElement\":[{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":1,\"name\":\"Home\",\"item\":\"https:\/\/iit.payap.ac.th\/\"},{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":2,\"name\":\"Documents\",\"item\":\"https:\/\/iit.payap.ac.th\/?page_id=1258\"},{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":3,\"name\":\"International Student Advisors&#8217; Handbook\",\"item\":\"https:\/\/iit.payap.ac.th\/?page_id=3102\"},{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":4,\"name\":\"19. Relationship Q &#038; A: Some Common Questions\"}]},{\"@type\":\"WebSite\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/iit.payap.ac.th\/#website\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/iit.payap.ac.th\/\",\"name\":\"Department of Information Technology\",\"description\":\"THE INTERNATIONAL COLLEGE, PAYAP UNIVERSITY\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"SearchAction\",\"target\":{\"@type\":\"EntryPoint\",\"urlTemplate\":\"https:\/\/iit.payap.ac.th\/?s={search_term_string}\"},\"query-input\":{\"@type\":\"PropertyValueSpecification\",\"valueRequired\":true,\"valueName\":\"search_term_string\"}}],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\"}]}<\/script>\n<!-- \/ Yoast SEO plugin. -->","yoast_head_json":{"title":"19. Relationship Q & A: Some Common Questions - Department of Information Technology","robots":{"index":"index","follow":"follow","max-snippet":"max-snippet:-1","max-image-preview":"max-image-preview:large","max-video-preview":"max-video-preview:-1"},"canonical":"https:\/\/iit.payap.ac.th\/?page_id=4087","og_locale":"en_US","og_type":"article","og_title":"19. Relationship Q & A: Some Common Questions - Department of Information Technology","og_description":"Q. I\u2019ve never been very good at relationship, of any kind. I don\u2019t even know how or where to begin. A. Relationships begin with you, because you are half of any relationship you join. So start with yourself! Don\u2019t count&hellip;","og_url":"https:\/\/iit.payap.ac.th\/?page_id=4087","og_site_name":"Department of Information Technology","twitter_card":"summary_large_image","twitter_misc":{"Est. reading time":"10 minutes"},"schema":{"@context":"https:\/\/schema.org","@graph":[{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https:\/\/iit.payap.ac.th\/?page_id=4087","url":"https:\/\/iit.payap.ac.th\/?page_id=4087","name":"19. Relationship Q & A: Some Common Questions - Department of Information Technology","isPartOf":{"@id":"https:\/\/iit.payap.ac.th\/#website"},"datePublished":"2016-09-12T08:12:52+00:00","breadcrumb":{"@id":"https:\/\/iit.payap.ac.th\/?page_id=4087#breadcrumb"},"inLanguage":"en-US","potentialAction":[{"@type":"ReadAction","target":["https:\/\/iit.payap.ac.th\/?page_id=4087"]}]},{"@type":"BreadcrumbList","@id":"https:\/\/iit.payap.ac.th\/?page_id=4087#breadcrumb","itemListElement":[{"@type":"ListItem","position":1,"name":"Home","item":"https:\/\/iit.payap.ac.th\/"},{"@type":"ListItem","position":2,"name":"Documents","item":"https:\/\/iit.payap.ac.th\/?page_id=1258"},{"@type":"ListItem","position":3,"name":"International Student Advisors&#8217; Handbook","item":"https:\/\/iit.payap.ac.th\/?page_id=3102"},{"@type":"ListItem","position":4,"name":"19. Relationship Q &#038; A: Some Common Questions"}]},{"@type":"WebSite","@id":"https:\/\/iit.payap.ac.th\/#website","url":"https:\/\/iit.payap.ac.th\/","name":"Department of Information Technology","description":"THE INTERNATIONAL COLLEGE, PAYAP UNIVERSITY","potentialAction":[{"@type":"SearchAction","target":{"@type":"EntryPoint","urlTemplate":"https:\/\/iit.payap.ac.th\/?s={search_term_string}"},"query-input":{"@type":"PropertyValueSpecification","valueRequired":true,"valueName":"search_term_string"}}],"inLanguage":"en-US"}]}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/iit.payap.ac.th\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages\/4087","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/iit.payap.ac.th\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/iit.payap.ac.th\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/page"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/iit.payap.ac.th\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/11"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/iit.payap.ac.th\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=4087"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/iit.payap.ac.th\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages\/4087\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":4088,"href":"https:\/\/iit.payap.ac.th\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages\/4087\/revisions\/4088"}],"up":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/iit.payap.ac.th\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages\/3102"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/iit.payap.ac.th\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=4087"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}